Listen up, clowns. I was gonna write this piece on the CDC, but something has changed my mind. As many of you know, Naperville got some snow this past week of Jan. 24, 2022. Today, it is time to clown Naperville drivers. 

Picture this: I drive a 2011 Toyota Sienna minivan. It has a jumpy accelerator and a not great turning radius or traction control. I understand this, and because of this, I drive VERY carefully in snow. I am a great driver in normal conditions, but on a morning like this, I drive safely. I rarely go over 30mph, and I take turns and acceleration as slow as is humanly possible. I basically idle through the parking lot because it was not plowed at all. 

Now, imagine how I feel when a 2021 BMW X5 blasts past me at 50mph down 95th Street as I cruise along. Or, some absolute clown decides to do donuts in the parking lot around other cars. Or even the car in front of me forgets that you can’t stomp on the brake and fishtails. I am clutching my wheel with the grip force of a thousand suns and easing along down the road while dodging the biggest collection of clowns you’ve seen.

Naperville drivers are bad normally. They tailgate, cut off and never follow a speed limit because no rules apply to them if they drive a Jeep, Mercedes or BMW. I fear for my life on a normal day, but a snowy day is another level of clownery. Naperville drivers, take a damn hint. 

You are driving around students and parents with small children. Your impatience can quite literally murder someone. You can’t follow a speed limit or even dare to follow a car at a safe distance, and for that, you deserve this clown corner, the highest degree of Internet punishment. 

Next time it snows, I better see every person driving carefully. It is not worth literally killing someone to get there five minutes earlier. Do better.

On this edition of clown corner, I needed to speak my thoughts, and I will not apologize for what I’ve said. Naperville drivers failed, quite literally no one prevailed (Dr. Talley cancel school next time 🙄), and man oh man, a lot of people looked like clowns in the end. See you next time!